Rant and rave: Songs we should not have been singing as children

Did you know
there are over 6,500 distinct languages in the modern world? B
eing the articulate wordsmiths that we are, it kinda blows our
mind when we think about how many other humans there are that we simply
can’t communicate with. That’s why we love music, the universal
language. If there is anything that makes sense to everyone, it’s a phat beat.
No matter where or how old you are, ain’t no other experience in the world as
simultaneously personal and unifying than appreciating a piece of music and
that’s great, right? Let’s all just spend a couple minutes looking at babies dancing. Okay. What could possibly be wrong with this? OH YEAH, LIKE 85% OF
POPULAR MUSIC IS ABOUT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Suddenly by accident, we’ve got all
this innuendo spilling from the mouths of babes! Think we’re exaggerating? Take
a walk with us, through dance parties of yore. Revisiting the lyrics of some of
these teeny bopper tunes, we’re no longer surprised our moms went grey early.


O-Town – Liquid
Dreams

Hooo boy, did
we ever love watching this boy band come to life on Making the Band every Friday on ABC (and again two months ago when
we realized all the episodes are on YouTube). The emotional turmoil of a bunch
of adult dudes living in a house together just trying to make it as popstars,
the beginning of reality television as we know it, Jacob Underwood’s facial hair/attempt at white-guy dreadlocks – truly revolutionary stuff. So when they
came out with their first official single as a fully formed band about their
DREAM GIRL, we were so excited to sing along that we didn’t really even stop to
think. Liquid Dreams? What the what?! The song lists all of the boys’ fave
celebs and their body parts and mashes them all together to make one super babe
(although it’s not all superficial, they do mention they want her to have a
good personality-like Halle B,), who stars in their liquid dreams. That’s just gross, you
guys.  

B4-4 – Get Down

In this
little ditty, a pair of male twins and a guy named Ohad came together to fill
our adolescent minds with promises of being the ones to love and comfort us
until the day we die. It’s a happy-go-lucky tune with such a cool built-in
dance routine that we probably didn’t notice sideways looks from our parents
when we were belting out “I’m gonna make
you come tonight
over to my
house”.
We’re all adults here (now), and we realize that this little “game
of give and take” is just really creative propaganda for oral sex. We’d also
like to note that twins Ryan and Dan are now billed as pop/classical/opera
vocal duo RyanDan and are performing in Las Vegas at Caesars Palace with Shania Twain for the next two years.

Spice Girls –
2 Become 1

Luckily
everyone under the age of 14 skips all the slow jams, so this song about
revisiting a former lover more or less went under the radar [Ed. note: speak for yourself! Some of us loved this song when it came out]. Now if we just put
this in text form at 2 a.m., it would make a pretty impressive drunk booty
call. Although we don’t agree with pre-teens asking “are you as good as I remember, baby? Get it on, get it on” we
gotta give props for also alluding to the importance of safe sex “be a little bit wiser baby. Put it on. Put
it on.”
Well done, ladies. Unrelated note – if anyone knows the story with
the hologram deer at the end of the video, we’d love to know what that was all
about.

Next – Too
Close

An elementary
school dance staple, this touching duet between a man and a woman discusses the
intimacy of young love and relationships moving too fast. Just kidding, it’s
about boners.  Poor mid-pubescent boys going
through the terrible NRB phase probably really related to this grinding anthem (“Girl I know you felt it, but oh ya know I
can’t help it”)
while being misled by girls who had no idea what this song
was actually about.

Salt n Pepa –
Push It

This song isn’t about dancing.


*This post is titled Rant and Rave, because we can’t quite decide whether it really was a good or a bad thing that we were singing these songs as pre-pubescent teens.