Maybe there isn’t anything sexy about bulky
winter jackets and clunky boots but there is no denying that one of the best
ways to stay warm during these cold months is, well…body heat. After a long day
of work and trudging around in the snow (or rain, as it happens today), we know you may not be in the mood to
get up close and personal with that special someone – and so does sexpert Josey Vogels, author of Better Sex in No Time – A Guide for Busy Couples. We had a
chance to speak with Vogels about the book, and a few simple ways to have better
sex in no time.
So Josey, what prompted you to write this book in the first place?
I’ve been writing about
this stuff for awhile, almost 28 years in fact. This is my sixth book and when it came to coming up with another book
idea, one of the things I really felt like I was hearing was that despite all
the great sex advice they’ve heard over the years, between kids and having jobs
and social lives, a lot of couples think “my God, by the time we end up in bed
together, I’m so tired that the idea of sex is just the furthest thing from my
brain.” These are couples that generally like each other
and feel like they want to have more sex, but their lifestyles and
schedules just aren’t allowing it. It seemed to be a really common
problem and on top of that, I think that in this day and age, couples are
feeling a lot of stress because everywhere they look in this
sexualized culture, it seems like everyone is having better, faster, stronger sex. Here they are
saying to themselves, ‘We’ve been together for a while and we have kind of lost
some of the spark; how can we get that back?’
this stuff for awhile, almost 28 years in fact. This is my sixth book and when it came to coming up with another book
idea, one of the things I really felt like I was hearing was that despite all
the great sex advice they’ve heard over the years, between kids and having jobs
and social lives, a lot of couples think “my God, by the time we end up in bed
together, I’m so tired that the idea of sex is just the furthest thing from my
brain.” These are couples that generally like each other
and feel like they want to have more sex, but their lifestyles and
schedules just aren’t allowing it. It seemed to be a really common
problem and on top of that, I think that in this day and age, couples are
feeling a lot of stress because everywhere they look in this
sexualized culture, it seems like everyone is having better, faster, stronger sex. Here they are
saying to themselves, ‘We’ve been together for a while and we have kind of lost
some of the spark; how can we get that back?’
28 years! That’s a pretty long time. Do you think that a book like
this is more necessary now than when you first started out?
this is more necessary now than when you first started out?
Definitely. I wouldn’t want to send us back to the 50s when
most families were living off a single income and mom stayed at home, but the
truth of the matter is that studies have shown that couples were having more
sex in that era. There was just more time
for it and I think that now, the expectations are so high we put a lot of
pressure on ourselves to be involved in everything. And technology, despite making our lives easier, in
some ways actually is a real-time suck. Sometimes it’s easier to zone out in
front of the TV or in front of your computer than it is to really delve into
your psyche and try to dig up that passion and desire for your partner.
most families were living off a single income and mom stayed at home, but the
truth of the matter is that studies have shown that couples were having more
sex in that era. There was just more time
for it and I think that now, the expectations are so high we put a lot of
pressure on ourselves to be involved in everything. And technology, despite making our lives easier, in
some ways actually is a real-time suck. Sometimes it’s easier to zone out in
front of the TV or in front of your computer than it is to really delve into
your psyche and try to dig up that passion and desire for your partner.
Would you say the book is targeted specifically for couples that
have lost the spark? Or as a precautionary measure for new couples as well?
have lost the spark? Or as a precautionary measure for new couples as well?
It’s funny, I was just
talking to someone yesterday who was in a relationship that she left because
the sexual compatibility wasn’t there, and she’s now with somebody that she’s
very sexually compatible with. Her boyfriend saw her reading the book and
said “we don’t need that” but you know
what, I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. In some ways, when you’re in
that early stage and you’re just so into
each other, it’s actually a good time to start talking about it. When you’re both really open and you’re
feeling really sexually connected you can build a more varied repertoire so
when things do get a little stale you know how to
change it up and you’re comfortable enough with each other to explore.
talking to someone yesterday who was in a relationship that she left because
the sexual compatibility wasn’t there, and she’s now with somebody that she’s
very sexually compatible with. Her boyfriend saw her reading the book and
said “we don’t need that” but you know
what, I wouldn’t be so quick to judge. In some ways, when you’re in
that early stage and you’re just so into
each other, it’s actually a good time to start talking about it. When you’re both really open and you’re
feeling really sexually connected you can build a more varied repertoire so
when things do get a little stale you know how to
change it up and you’re comfortable enough with each other to explore.
The first few chapters of the book really focus on the non-sexual
aspects of the relationship, like romance and seduction and going on
dates. Would it be fair to say that the
major hurdle couples are facing isn’t just a lack of sex, but intimacy?
aspects of the relationship, like romance and seduction and going on
dates. Would it be fair to say that the
major hurdle couples are facing isn’t just a lack of sex, but intimacy?
Absolutely. If there’s one
message I want people to get from the book, it’s that. I hear from couples all
the time that they’re like two ships that pass in the night – they barely
see each other. They finally get some
time together on the weekend but they are so disconnected during the week that
the expectation that they’re going to fall into each other’s arms is pretty
unrealistic. It’s not all about the grand gestures, it’s about the little things
every day that keep you connected. Connection leads to sex and vice versa, so if you’re staying
close when you do have some time, sex won’t feel so far out of reach.
message I want people to get from the book, it’s that. I hear from couples all
the time that they’re like two ships that pass in the night – they barely
see each other. They finally get some
time together on the weekend but they are so disconnected during the week that
the expectation that they’re going to fall into each other’s arms is pretty
unrealistic. It’s not all about the grand gestures, it’s about the little things
every day that keep you connected. Connection leads to sex and vice versa, so if you’re staying
close when you do have some time, sex won’t feel so far out of reach.
Now by the end of the book we see the opposite extreme. We’re talking whole chapters on toys and
kink. Do you think books like this, and
the popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey have lifted that taboo and made it more
mainstream?
kink. Do you think books like this, and
the popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey have lifted that taboo and made it more
mainstream?
I don’t want to say its
more mainstream but it definitely opens the door to curiosity and to women
thinking “you know what, this whole sex thing is kinda fun and maybe I’m
allowed to be more curious and maybe I’m allowed to push the limits of what I
expect from sex.” You don’t have to build a dungeon in your basement any time
soon, but engage in a little light bondage, a little spanking, playing with pain
and pleasure, role playing. When you’re with somebody
for a long time, people fall into a rut and can start to follow a
script when it comes to sex. One of the things that I think is really great about being a little bit more experimental is that it breaks some
of those scripts and injects some adventure into your sex
life.
more mainstream but it definitely opens the door to curiosity and to women
thinking “you know what, this whole sex thing is kinda fun and maybe I’m
allowed to be more curious and maybe I’m allowed to push the limits of what I
expect from sex.” You don’t have to build a dungeon in your basement any time
soon, but engage in a little light bondage, a little spanking, playing with pain
and pleasure, role playing. When you’re with somebody
for a long time, people fall into a rut and can start to follow a
script when it comes to sex. One of the things that I think is really great about being a little bit more experimental is that it breaks some
of those scripts and injects some adventure into your sex
life.
We’re pretty open minded up here on the Fourth Floor but we’ve got
to admit, even we were blushing at some parts of the book. What do you
recommend to help the more bashful couples out there, to help them out of their
comfort zone?
to admit, even we were blushing at some parts of the book. What do you
recommend to help the more bashful couples out there, to help them out of their
comfort zone?
Just considering the book
is a good first step. I never encourage people to get so far out of their
comfort zone that it is damaging psychologically or that it creates resentment. I talk a lot about the trust
that you have to have with a partner to be able to go a bit further with your
sex life. I think that it starts with
just talking, and reading a book like this – even just little parts of it. There is nothing that says you
have to act upon it right away. It’s a way of opening up the door a little bit
and opening up that communication so you can discover things you didn’t know about your partner. The whole philosophy of this book is
that everything you want in life you have to achieve in baby steps – you’re not
going to run a marathon tomorrow if you’ve never put on a pair of running shoes. It’s all about taking a step and building on that and not worrying about
what everyone else is doing. Just do
what is comfortable for the two of you and explore it together because you two
are the only ones involved in your sex life (unless you want to bring in
others).
is a good first step. I never encourage people to get so far out of their
comfort zone that it is damaging psychologically or that it creates resentment. I talk a lot about the trust
that you have to have with a partner to be able to go a bit further with your
sex life. I think that it starts with
just talking, and reading a book like this – even just little parts of it. There is nothing that says you
have to act upon it right away. It’s a way of opening up the door a little bit
and opening up that communication so you can discover things you didn’t know about your partner. The whole philosophy of this book is
that everything you want in life you have to achieve in baby steps – you’re not
going to run a marathon tomorrow if you’ve never put on a pair of running shoes. It’s all about taking a step and building on that and not worrying about
what everyone else is doing. Just do
what is comfortable for the two of you and explore it together because you two
are the only ones involved in your sex life (unless you want to bring in
others).
We like that the book isn’t so much about making time, but making
the most of the time that you have.
the most of the time that you have.
Exactly, that’s a great way
to put it. People say “we’d love to be having more sex” but
what does that mean? It’s an abstract goal. What about a deep kiss in the morning before you
leave before work instead of that perfunctory quick kiss, deepening your
connection and just being more in the moment with each other for 10 seconds. If you have a minute, send a flirtatious text or an email letting them know a nice thing
you appreciated that they did that day. All those things build on each other. It’s like
with the analogy of losing weight, though its not a very sexy, you start by taking
the stairs instead of the escalator, salad instead of fries, and then you
eventually achieve your goal. But thinking about it as an abstract thing
that you’ll someday get to is sort of self-defeating.
to put it. People say “we’d love to be having more sex” but
what does that mean? It’s an abstract goal. What about a deep kiss in the morning before you
leave before work instead of that perfunctory quick kiss, deepening your
connection and just being more in the moment with each other for 10 seconds. If you have a minute, send a flirtatious text or an email letting them know a nice thing
you appreciated that they did that day. All those things build on each other. It’s like
with the analogy of losing weight, though its not a very sexy, you start by taking
the stairs instead of the escalator, salad instead of fries, and then you
eventually achieve your goal. But thinking about it as an abstract thing
that you’ll someday get to is sort of self-defeating.
The most romantic day of the year is coming up. Any special plans
for Valentines Day?
for Valentines Day?
Unfortunately my husband is
working at a car show, and I’ll be working media all day, which is often the
problem we have with Valentine’s Day. We
usually end up celebrating Valentine’s Day on a different day which is fine – my
whole thing is about the focus on connection. As opposed to going for the
grand gesture and big expensive dinner, dozen roses and all the clichés, to me it’s an opportunity to plan a date. It’s marked on the calendar for
you to make a plan that is focused on the two of you. If
you have kids, ship them off with a babysitter and get a hotel room. Hell, order a pizza and throw a blanket on the living room floor
with a nice bottle of wine – whatever works, as long as it’s just the two of you. That’s the most
romantic thing you can do in whatever form it takes.
working at a car show, and I’ll be working media all day, which is often the
problem we have with Valentine’s Day. We
usually end up celebrating Valentine’s Day on a different day which is fine – my
whole thing is about the focus on connection. As opposed to going for the
grand gesture and big expensive dinner, dozen roses and all the clichés, to me it’s an opportunity to plan a date. It’s marked on the calendar for
you to make a plan that is focused on the two of you. If
you have kids, ship them off with a babysitter and get a hotel room. Hell, order a pizza and throw a blanket on the living room floor
with a nice bottle of wine – whatever works, as long as it’s just the two of you. That’s the most
romantic thing you can do in whatever form it takes.
For more advice from Josey about being in the moment and keeping
things hot in and out of the bedroom, check out Better Sex in No Time.
things hot in and out of the bedroom, check out Better Sex in No Time.
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